Like A Trip Back To Middle School

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i truly scare myself sometimes

Disclaimer: In early 2004, Mary moved into "The D" and brought along her dvds of the first two seasons of Alias. It wasn't long before I was hooked and at the height of my obsession, I was actually waking up at like 6am so I could watch an episode or two before work. At the same time, I was working at a string of temp jobs that involved a LOT of downtime. This was in a time before I joined Facebook and when I was one of maybe 5 people I knew on MySpace - Internet distractions could only get me so far. And so out of insane boredom came what I now reluctantly share with you. If you've seen the pilot episode of Alias, you might be amused. Or you might be even more disturbed. I know that four years later, I was definitely more disturbed than amused. Okay. You've been warned.

My name is Kerri D.

Five years ago I was recruited by a secret branch of the NYU Athletics Department called Palladium. I was sworn to secrecy, but I couldn't keep it from my fiance. And when the head of Palladium

Arvin Sloane*

found out, he had him killed.

That's when I learned the truth: Palladium is not part of NYU Athletics, it's part of The Alliance of Athletic Departments. I've been working for the very people I thought I was fighting against. So, I went to the only place that could help me take them down. Now I'm a double agent for Coles, where my handler is a man named Michael Vaughn.*

Only one other person knows the truth about what I do, another double agent inside Palladium. Someone I hardly know - my father.

Spy Daddy

- - -

(stuck in chair wearing a funky wig as Jay Lee, the evil dentist, approaches)

JAY: Who do you work for?

ME: Write this down. E. M. E. T. I. B. Got it? Now, reverse it.

JAY: I don't get it. Now let me take out your teeth!

ME: Start with the ones in the back. AHHHHHH!

- - -

DAVE: I love you, let's get married, even if your dad is kind of scary.

ME: Okay! But first, I must tell you... I don't work as an HM anymore. I work for Palladium, a secret branch of NYU Athletics. All those times I've been out of town, I haven't been at HM conventions... I've been on missions, called flyer runs. You can't tell anyone. I leave for another one at noon.

DAVE: Oh, yikes, not sure how to handle this one... yeah.

- - -


DAVE: (on my answering machine) I still love you! Let's get married. I don't care that you do these flyer runs, or what Palladium is. You're still a-okay, and you're still doing something more important than movie theater popcorn serving.

(listening to message from Palladium Headquarters)

SLOANE: (evil cackling)

- - -


ME: I love doing flyer runs with you!

DAN: Yes. It's great serving our sports center.

ME: I'm so proud of us. And I love that we get to wear wigs and talk in accents.

DAN: Word.

- - -


ME: Dave, I'm home! AHHH! You're dead in the bathtub! What the hell?

- - -


ME: You did this! You killed the man I love!

SLOANE: No, Agent D., YOU did. I am evil, but I told you not to tell anyone about the flyer runs. Serves you right, stupid girl. How are you an NYU graduate?

ME: I hate you! (runs away)

- - -


ME: (thinking) Uh-oh, I think those cars are going to try to run me over and shoot at me. And I bet Sloane sent them!

(cars start chasing me and shooting at me)

ME: What a predicament!

(car speeds up and stops next to me)

SPY DADDY: Get in!

ME: Daddy?!

(gets in car)

SPY DADDY: Yeah, so Dave's dead. Sorry. And by the way, Palladium is not part of NYU Athletics. You have been lied to. All monitors have been lied to. You work for the enemy. So do I. Palladium is part of the Alliance of Athletic Departments - along with Columbia, Siena, Stony Brook and Montclair.


- - -


ME: Dave's dead and I have no idea why! I have no answers!

MARY: Awwww, poor Ker. Let's eat ice cream. Not coffee though, because I hate coffee ice cream, and eggs make me want to vomit so don't ever offer me any because I might vomit. Hint hint hint for next season's season finale.

ME: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'll keep that in mind.

WILL TIPPIN*: I am in love with you! I work for a paper and will investigate Dave's death to hopefully get you to love me like I love you! By the way, my hair is bad.

ME AND MARY: Yes, yes it is.

ME: Hey, don't investigate his death, that's a bad idea.

WILL: Okay, sure, Ker, whatever you want, as long as by 'don't investigate his death' you mean 'investigate his death'.

(Mary leaves room)

ME: Oh, by the way, I need to borrow your sister's passport, kthanxbye!

- - -


ME: I am filled with such inner turmoil! What to do? I KNOW! I'll go to the REAL NYU Athletic Department and tell them my story and then we can work together to BRING DOWN PALLADIUM! But while I am here in this foreign country, I might as well steal something of value to Sloane so that I can win back his trust so that he stops trying to kill me. Hmmm. I know just the thing! But I have a feeling that Jay Lee won't like that very much. Although I'm not sure why. But something needs to explain why he was pulling my teeth out for seemingly no reason at the beginning of this tale!

- - -


DAN: I love that we work for NYU. They're such good guys.

JOHN: I don’t have very good social skills so I'm going to pretend you're not talking to me and instead just play on my computer.

DAN: No, really. I'm so proud to serve my school.

JOHN: Want a pig-in-a-blanket?

DAN: Um... no thanks.

JOHN: Hey look, it's Kerri! Kerri, have you eaten yet?

(I walk in, in funky costume and wig, holding Sal Rembaldi's ravioli recipe, just one on a list of Rembaldi recipes and devices that Sloane has been collecting for years. I march into Sloane's office and plop it on his desk.)

SLOANE: Oh yay, so I guess you got over that whole 'I killed the man you love thing!'

ME: Yeah, that's right!

SLOANE: By the way, you're like a daughter to Elizabeth and me.

ME: Now's probably a good time to mention that my real mother died in a car accident long ago and I think about her all the time. Now I have to obsess over the fact that she AND Dave are dead, so I need a week off.

SLOANE: Fair enough.

- - -


(I am still dressed in a funky outfit with a funky colored wig and writing and writing)

VAUGHN: You wrote a lot.

ME: I know.

VAUGHN: I mean, it's, like, Tolstoy long.

ME: Do you know who Tolstoy is?


ME: Didn't think so. Who are you?

VAUGHN: My name is Michael Vaughn, but you will call me Vaughn, even after we take down Palladium and are allowed to be seen in public together and we start getting it on and I beg you to call me Michael.

ME: Whatever. You're gorgeous, but right now, Palladium must go down and so must the evil Arvin Sloane.

VAUGHN: Right. So here's the scoop. You'll go back to Palladium, now that you've won back Sloane's trust. You'll continue doing flyer runs for him, but you'll report back to us before you go with what he wants you to do, and we'll give you a counter-flyer run... a countermission, if you will.

ME: I will.

VAUGHN: Umm... right. You will right down your mission on one of these NYU Athletics flyers and throw it in a trash can in Washington Square Park.

ME: That's a waste of paper.

VAUGHN: And printing off thousands of them to begin with isn't?

ME: Good point.

VAUGHN: When I want to meet up with you, I will call your apartment pretending to be your ex-roommate's father. You'll answer, "wrong number" and then come meet me so we can discuss your countermission.

ME: How will I know where to meet you?

VAUGHN: You'll just know.

ME: That's not very clear...

VAUGHN: Okay, woman, give it up, 'Alias' never quite explains that.

ME: Riiiight. Okay. Cool. Hey wait a second, you seem to know a lot about double agents... and why do you trust me?

VAUGHN: That's because we have another double agent here... (breathes heavily like Darth Vader) YOUR FATHER.


ME: Daddy?!

SPY DADDY: Yes, it's me. Vaughn made me wear this suit, one of the many reasons I don't like him and never will.

ME: Daddy, why didn't you tell me you were a double agent? Why didn't you tell me sooner about Palladium? Why did you get me involved in your world of spies and lies? And I thought you purchased airplane parts for Grumman! I wish this had never happened!

SPY DADDY: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

ME: Oh Daddy, so wise.

SPY DADDY: Stop calling me daddy, you're supposed to hate me still.

ME: Oh. Right. I hate you!


TOM: I think she's crazy.

VAUGHN: No doubt.


* Name deliberately unchanged to protect the innocent!
** Fear not, I did not get much further, I just figure that the above events are all that were covered in the first episode of Alias and I'd spare all three of my readers from posting the whole thing all at once

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