r.i.p.

It is with great sadness that I report the death of John.

(actual photo of the deceased unavailable)

John was born in Carle Place, NY and was adopted in January 2008. After spending the first six months of his life in Carle Place, he recently moved to Westbury, NY with his son Troy. Sadly, Troy passed away in early June.

John's body was discovered at approximately 8:15am on Saturday, June 28. It is unclear whether the grief over Troy's sudden passing, coupled with stress from the move and the departure from his life of his Carle Place roommates Becky and Lainie, contributed to John's death, which appears to be from natural causes. However, authorities are not ruling out foul play, as John had recently been referring to threats on his life by a "Mrs. Bar" and a "Mr. Bri." Bar/Bri could not be reached for comment.

John is survived by his adopted father Briton, his adopted aunt Kerri, and his landlords Sergio and Kim. There are no plans for a funeral. In lieu of flowers, please send money.