Like A Trip Back To Middle School

Thursday, June 19, 2008

nobody will understand this except for mary and liz, but re-reading it almost made me wet myself

March 11, 2003, approximately 2am

KERRI: Mary, we're sick. Maybe I shouldn't stay with them after all. I mean, I do know other people who live in Stamford.

MARY: You could stay with Eli!

KERRI: Actually, I was thinking of Ryan's family. I'm sure they have like 900 guest rooms in their mansion.

MARY: I bet they do live in a mansion.

KERRI: Of course they do. They have to. They probably own half the town. It's like Dan and Eli live in Stamford, and then Ryan lives in Stamhughes.

MARY: (fit of laughter)

KERRI: I mean, they probably have nine of every type of room in the house.

MARY: Each guest room is probably dedicated to a year in Ryan's life. Diana would probably be like, "So, you want to stay in the 12-year-old room?"

KERRI: (now hysterically laughing, then growing serious) Hey. You know what I was thinking tonight in the bathroom, as I looked at that picture of Ryan?

MARY: What's that?

KERRI: About how much it must suck to be Tim.

MARY: (silent, wondering where I'm going with this)

KERRI: I mean really. He's the first born child. And yet everything is Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. I mean seriously! Every time I think to myself, "Wow, my life sucks", I have to remind myself, "Well, I could be Tim Hughes."

MARY: (now erupting in uncontrollable laughter)

KERRI: I mean who really names their SECOND son after the father? Tim's gotta feel so shafted.

MARY: (nearly falling off the bed from laughing) I can't breathe

KERRI: This isn't funny! Think about how Tim feels!

MARY: I never have! I never stopped to think about Tim!

KERRI: Here Ryan is, going off and becoming Captain America and poor Tim is just living in his shadow! I bet if we went to their house, Tim's room's been turned into a huge display case for Ryan's trophies!

MARY: (laughing uncontrollably) Kerri, I'm crying.

KERRI: (crying as well from laughing so hard) Well we should be crying! Tim probably cries every day of his life! I mean Ryan is the proverbial glue that holds New York University together. What has Tim done? His parents don't care about him!

MARY: Maybe he's not even really their kid. Maybe they adopted him, thinking they'd never have a son, and then Ryan came along and was some kind of medical miracle and that's why they love Ryan so much.

KERRI: Poor Tim. I'm making a banner for our room over Spring Break that says "C3-3AA Loves Tim Hughes."

MARY: Oh! And we could hang it in our window then!

KERRI: Yeah! And then [The Other] Dan will look out his window and see it and say, "WOW! I love Tim Hughes TOO!" And HE'LL hang up a sign that says that!


KERRI: And then Kenny Boom Boom will look out HIS window and see Dan's sign, and he'll be like, "Tim? Who's that? They must mean Ryan. Well, I love Ryan. I'm going to make a sign that says that."

(uncontrollable laughter from both of us. Both of us are crying. Both of us have pains in our stomach.)

MARY: I'm going to feel bad for us tomorrow morning.

KERRI: Not as bad as you should feel for Tim.

MARY: (a pause, as if reflecting) Yes. (Another pause) A moment of silence for Tim Hughes?

(we're silent for about 10 seconds, then crack up laughing again)

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